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by: Kara Noel Lawson

Crashed – the story of my mom’s death

My computer crashed on January 17th.

My life crashed on February 7th.

The computer has been fixed for a few days. (Hence this post.)

My life will never be the same.

My mom died.

I absolutely hate that that is part of my story.

I absolutely hate that my mom won’t get to read this blog post.

Or any new blog post I will write. (She thinks thought I was so clever.)

I’m sad (understatement). And I’m sure I’ll be writing about it. Along with all the other things this blog is about. But for now, I’ll write about how it happened. Because it’s a story worth sharing. And it’s my story (deep breath).
Here is the story of my mom’s death:

wrapping christmas gifts in the ICU

My mom broke her leg falling off a curb, and was getting better. We spent Christmas and New Years in the ICU (wrapping presents on the waiting room floor above) Then she wasn’t getting better and was transferred to Cedars Sinai. At Cedars we found out her body was rejecting the metal hardware put in to fix the broken leg. It felt (feels) very tragic and unfair.

picture for the nurses treats for the nurses

We became quite popular among the nurses because we brought treats every visit. (Thank you to those of you who helped me out!) Even though things were so dire, I really felt like God was working. My mom was somewhat stable and my heart thought once the hardware was gone she would start to recover again like she did from her initial leg surgeries. It felt like God was trying to get as many people involved in his miracle as possible.

   the lord causes his miracles to be remembered the story of my mom's death

We prayed. And prayed. And churches all over the country prayed. We made the decision to remove the hardware. Which meant we needed to remove the leg. The leg she broke was her “bad” leg. The one that was really unhealthy from her diabetes so it really wasn’t the hardest decision to make. Especially because the alternative was give up and wait for her to die. She had less than a 10% chance of making it though the leg surgery.

She made it!

Glory to God. He was working. It felt big. And horribly wonderful.

successful surgery

Now we just needed to wait.

It took about 10 days from her broken leg surgeries to get back to talking and eating again, and I was prepared for about the same amount of healing time. Three days went by and she was overriding the ventilator and her blood pressure was normal – even during dialysis.

Then it wasn’t.

needed progress

Her blood pressure was dropping and she would no longer sustain dialysis. We had a family meeting with her doctors and they told us there was nothing more they could do. And the week of healing ended up being the week she died. It took 3 days for her body to finally give up. She is was the strongest woman I have ever known.

I was holding her hand when she breathed her last breath and for her last heartbeat. The people she loved most, sung her favorite hymns and ushered her into forever.

It was beautiful, and a peaceful way to enter heaven.

But I wish it had never happened.

I can’t believe it has happened.

From falling off a curb.

I can’t believe I’ll never get to sit at my dinning room table and sew and chat with my mom. I can’t believe that my younger kids will never remember being adored by her. And that my older kids’ memories will be mostly prompted by old photos instead of last week’s visit.

My heart hurts and my head keeps thinking that this just isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.

I feel very alone.

My heart knows she is in heaven rejoicing and my head says it’s not fair that such a truly good person is gone from earth.

I feel like 60-years-old is too young to die.

Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” John 11:25-26

My mom believes believed this. Do you?

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Kara Noel Lawson

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Comments

  1. Junglewife says

    I am so sorry, friend! I don’t know how I missed this post, but somehow I did. I just read your “She’ll Never Know” post,and I am hurting for you.

    Reply

  2. corine says

    Sweet, sweet, Kara! What a beautifully written HEART-PAIN-MESSAGE. Words are funny things…they can build up, break down and they can help release pain that’s within. (As you seem to be fully aware of!) It’s clear to me that Suzie is still loving the world through you, dear one!
    Continue to release the pain within and absorb the love all around you, and from above.

    Love you, sweetie!
    Corine

    Reply

  3. Lindsey G says

    I can’t quite get passed the comment for your grandmother, how touching and very personal this post has been. I’m sorry for your loss for you kids, its hard. Seems to me your mom earned her spot in heaven with the rest of the angels and was given the grace to exit peacefully. I still believe the ones who leave us (even at a young age) are the lucky ones. Being here on this planet is hard and sometimes brutally painful. Its our plight to manage what short time we are given on earth and hopefully find peace and contentment in His love and to SHARE that love, which you do well. Her work is done. May her faith based life be an example to all. ((hugs))

    Reply

  6. Jeanine Thomas says

    Oh Gosh Kara. I am so sorry. Thank you so much for sharing. It helps all of us mourn with you. Even though I haven’t seen her for awhile. I already miss her vibrant smith and cheer. Love, Jeanine

    Reply

  7. Betty Palmer says

    Oh, Kara, I am hurting for you and myself. Suzie was my first born. I saw her take her first breath and her last. She was wonderful to raise, she was my best friend. It was great to watch her grow in the Lord — to share with her in our many Bible studies. We could converse about the Scriptures and their meaning in our lives. I know that the Lord has her in His hands just like she would hold the little birds that Boyie would bring in to her and she would hold then close until they died. I loved her from the moment I knew she was on her way into our life — I loved ever ounce of her body. It was my turn to go first — she just broke into line. Each day I receive calls from friends telling me how she would help them with problems in their life. Pastor John has memtioned her on Sunday mornings in his sermons. She loved to study the “birth order” and how she fit in as first born. I take great joy in the thing she accomplished — giving birth to you, Kara. The many things we did together. Why could this have gone on longer, you are righ sixty is much too young to leave us. How I long to hear her voice, pick her up on Sunday mornings for Church, to go shopping, making things together. She was my life.

    Reply

    • Andrea says

      Hi Kara,
      I have been following you on Instagram and noticed you talk about your mom. Tonight I read you blog. I would love to say it brought tears to my eyes, but the reality is it made me cry, sob actually. I too, lost my mom and I know the hurt, the pain, the anger. I know how you feel, there are good days and bad days. I lost my mom to cancer, a cancer the doctors said “would never kill her.” We knew she was sick, and like your story, she got better then got worse and then her death came suddenly on my oldest son’s birthday a year and a half ago. The first year, all the firsts were so hard. I just wanted to skip those days. I would love to tell you it gets easier , but it sure doesn’t feel like it. I am sure that day will come, but I ask myself the same questions you do about your kids. Will they remember her? And I wonder if they miss her like I do? On a tough day I long to talk to her and vent to her, and on a good day I want to tell her how proud I am of my boys and my family. Most days I just try to keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep going. Losing a parent, especially your mom is so life changing and hard! Unlike you, I do have two sisters that I am close with and we can talk when we are feeling sad. My heart aches for you. Know it is ok to have good days and bad, and if you need to cry- let it out, if you just want to sit and stare off into space, do it, and if you want to yell, do it! Someday it will get easier……I hope! 😉

      Reply

  9. carlee says

    my heart just breaks for you kara! your mom was such a beautiful person and I know you made her so proud and will continue to. She left quite a legacy in you 🙂 i will be keeping you and your family in my prayers – and i would love to bring a meal if that would help? please please let me know if anyone has set any type of meal/care plan for you!

    Reply

  10. Jan says

    Jesus said to her, “I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die; and whoever lives by believing in me will never die. Do you believe this?” John 11:25-26

    My mom believes this. Do you?

    Yes I believe it to be true. My love for Christ his love for me is who I am, what I am, most of all what makes me whole.

    Reply

  11. Mommy Daisy says

    She was WAY too young to die. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad that you have the reassurance knowing that you will be reunited with her again someday, but it does not make losing someone any easier. I can’t imagine life without my mom, so I know this has to be the hardest thing ever for you. Day by day the pain will ease. You will always think of her in situations and always remember her. You and your family are her living legacy, and I know that she will always be proud of you. God bless.

    Reply

  12. pattie says

    I hope it was therapeutic writing the post. I read the pain through your words and I send you many strong hugs. I so wish I could take at least some of your pain away because this is a challenge issued to you that you should not bear alone.

    Reply

  14. chris says

    Kara, that moment changes everything. Your life will never be the same. The person who gave you life is no longer here in a tangible form. It is sad.

    The first holidays, birthdays, visits to places special to you and your Mom will bring up emotions. That is normal. How are you supposed to celebrate and enjoy without her here? You will figure it out. It will take time. You may do strange things (I waited for the phone to ring all day on the first Thanksgiving).

    Technology can be great. I managed to save for a number of years my Mom on the answering machine singing Happy Birthday (to B, but it didn’t matter). That helped me. You will find what helps you.

    Finally (for now), forgiveness is a big part of the grieving process that often gets overlooked. The books all talk about anger, but seem to neglect forgiveness. It isn’t just forgiving your Mom for leaving too soon, but also yourself. And of course there will be times when people say things (oh the things they will say) usually with good intentions. Forgive them too, especially the ones who have not been on this journey.

    Wishing you peace. Sending you love. xoxo

    Reply

  16. Brooke Cornelison says

    Kara, I am so sorry for your loss. Loosing a paret is one of the hardest thins to understand and go through. I have now lost two dads (who were absolutely amazing). You will never forgot them! Please try to be strong and live every day to the fullest. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

    Reply

  17. G'ma Annie says

    I feel so sad for you. I know how close you were to your Mom and it’s so difficult to not miss her here on earth, Honey. God must have His reasons for wanting her to go home and be with Him so soon. I pray for you, Brad, the adorable kiddies, your Dad and your G’ma who have lost so much. This will make you stronger though, honey and you will be with her when you leave this earth and go Home. I love you. I wish I could make it all better.

    Reply

  18. jo says

    I have so little to offer in the way of support Kara Noel, but I do know something about love, and I know that it’s designed to last beyond this blessed life we have been given. It sounds like faith in God runs through your veins as surely as the blood that sustains you, and with that faith you will heal and find peace among your grief.

    I pray for you. For your mom in heaven. For your children. For the days ahead, especially the ones that have you struggling and trying to catch your breath.

    Thank you for sharing your pain, your love for your mom, this incredibly devastating loss; it reminds the rest of us how truly precious our days here are, and to live them in such a way that we leave behind a legacy with our loved ones, much like your mama did with you all.

    Blessings.

    Jo

    Reply

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