In January I picked up an incredible wooden play-set from Craig’s List (for FREE). My mom had just fallen a few weeks before and things had been very touch and go, but she seemed to be on the mend. I was watching the kiddos play on their new “backyard park” and it struck me that Tessa would never remember a time without the play-set. Eli, Cora Jane and maybe Cyrus would remember the excitement getting it, then building it, but to Tessa, having a rad wooden play-park in the yard would be the norm. Then my mind crashed and I realized it could have been like that with the memory of my mom. Tessa may never have known life with my mom. I thanked God she didn’t have to walk that path.
As I said, at the time my mom was on the mend and soon would be starting the long leg recovery process. I even got to show her some of the pictures of the kids playing on the play-set and chat with her about how much the kids enjoyed it. We laughed that Cyrus would probably be the first one to jump off and break his arm.
Then things changed and we get to face that reality.
Tessa recognizes my mom’s picture and will excitedly exclaim “Nannie!!!” But I know it won’t be long until looking at my mom’s picture won’t incite actual memories but it will be as if she is looking at a picture of Mickey Mouse. Someone who is amazing but isn’t real. She might even wonder what life would be like if this “Nannie” person was still around.
I wonder everyday.
Tessa will never receive her yearly custom birthday party themed pillowcase lovingly made by my mom… probably sewn the night before the party.
She’ll never get to snuggle with my mom and read Go Dog Go 20+ times in a row.
She’ll never get to call Nannie after every successful poo poo on the potty.
She’ll never get the frequent care packages and “just because” notes.
She’ll never be hailed “truly a genius” for just being herself.
She’ll never get to show off the way she says new words, like strawberry… (“stawbedy-y”)
She’ll never know what it’s like to be my mom’s granddaughter.
We can (and will) tell her, but she’ll never really know .
It sucks.
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Rachael says
Praying for you all daily. Love you.
Lisamarie Audiss says
Kara Noel, I just want you to know that I feel your pain and you are so not alone, although I know it doesn’t make it better! I’ve been checking in on your blog and following your Instagram closely. I have been been praying for you and your family but specifically you, Eli and Cora, Eli is the same age Zeke was when we lost my grandma. You know how close I was to my grandma and Zeke was too. She was amazing! I go through all of the same feelings you go through pretty much on a daily basis…..it was 5 years on March 5th. I feel like its been 20. 🙁 I still want to hug every grandma that reminds me of her, is wearing a shirt she used to wear, or has on the same perfume that she used to wear, this one makes me burst out in tears everytime!
I know your so sad, it sucks and I wish I had some amazing thing to say to make your pain go away. Hang in there sweet lady!! Big big hugs and lots of prayers!! You are an amazing woman Kara and you inspire me to be a better mother, friend and Christian woman!!
Eli's Lids says
Thanks Lisa!!
Thanks for the encouragement!!
I’m still so sad. And at the most random times (like you were saying with the perfume) or after a vivid dream. But I’m able to function now, like the day to day routine.
Sarah says
I agree. It totally sucks. I think about this all the time with Evie. My dad met her once, I rapidly snapped photos knowing this could be the only time he’d play with her, and then he was on hospice a few days later. It’s so hard to process that loss for ourselves, and increases all the more when we look at it through our child’s loss.
The best advice someone told me was to keep their memory alive by talking about them. Not in planned or scripted ways, but spontaneous comments weaving them into daily life. It keeps them real and not just a memory. This is certainly easier said than done in the beginning, but I thought it was a good reminder.
Hugs to you- and praying for your peace and wisdom as you navigate the new normal. What a blessing you are to your Mom as you do her proud in so many ways. XO
Eli's Lids says
That’s a great idea! I’m trying to talk about her without balling. I know it will get easier as time passes. The thing that’s getting me now is that the kids won’t have things from her as they grow. She always gave the “good” present. And right now it’s so fun for them to say that Nannie got them something. I don’t know why this bothers me so much. Like she is just slowly phasing out of our lives.
Paige says
Oh Kara, this is so hard! I lost my mom 2 years ago. 2 weeks after she died my Lucy was born. I mourn everyday that she won’t know Grammy like my other 3 did. She never got to meet her. She never got to touch her. I have no pictures of her with Lucy. It breaks my heart. Life is unfair. I am so sorry you have to feel this pain. It is overwhelming. The comfort I take is thinking that my mom is their guardian angel. She may not physically be here to celebrate all their accomplishments, but I do believe she is there in spirit cheering them on. Hang in there! Keep writing and getting it out. It’s so good to talk about how you are feeling and the longing you feel for your mom. You are amazing!!
Eli's Lids says
I didn’t know you lost your mom too!
I think about the picture thing as well. And since my mom didn’t like her picture taken, we really don’t have that many with her and that kills me. I also know about all the things she was looking forward to doing with the kids and my heart breaks all over again. So so so sad.